Thursday, June 2, 2011

Top 6 Reasons Not to Clean Your Kitchen

As you probably are already aware, I an well renowned for giving life changing advice.  Readers all over the world flock to my blog seeking my wisdom.  Well, here I am again to tell you my top 6 reasons not to clean your kitchen.  You're welcome!

6. You just don't want to.  It's your kitchen after all and you should be able to decide where and how things are kept.  If you want to store a basketball hoop in the middle of the kitchen floor you should be able to do just that!  If you don't want to do dishes you shouldn't have to.

5.   You may make some rather disturbing discoveries.  Remember that box of food you packed when you moved from your apartment to your house?  It's still there in the corner of your kitchen.  Hiding behind other boxes disguising itself as extra dishes or appliances or something.  Recall the fact that you have been living in this house for over three years now.  You were just better off not knowing.

4.   You will start to experience delusions of grandeur regarding all the ways you can redo and reorganize your kitchen.  You will then start googling kitchen updates.  After several hours pinning your discoveries to your Pinterest boards, you will discover the necessity of creating a new Kitchen Board on Pinterest, to accommodate all your new pins.

3.   Someone may start to get ideas regarding your cleaning capabilities.  You wouldn't want anyone to start thinking that you might, in fact, be perfectly capable of doing the dishes on a regular basis, now would you?

2.  You might have to start cooking.  If the kitchen is clean, you will have one less excuse to avoid cooking.  Again, it could be assumed that, if you are capable of cleaning, you can certainly learn to cook. This assumption is quite mistaken.

1.  After noticing the eerie silence that emanates from the other areas of the house, you will decide to investigate the whereabouts of your two angelic children.  You will find one of them in his room, with your camera, attempting to take another video of his booty shakin.  You will then notice the splish splash of water running.  You will follow the sound assuming your daughter is washing her hands or brushing her teeth.  She is after all very fond of both those activities.

You will be greeted by this scene.

Full sink - Water running all over messy 
counter top

and down onto the floor

soaked head to toe, holding suspicious white wad
 How did the sink get clogged?
Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit B - alternate view
Of course you do realize this is simply Karma getting you back for all those years ago when you used to enjoy "doing dishes."