Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Zombie Apocalypse is Upon Us & My Mom isn't Prepared

Wake up people!

The Zombie Apocalypse is not coming.  That's ridiculous.  You guys have been watching way too many B movies on late night television.

The Zombie Apocalypse is already here!!!

Don't believe me?

Check this out.

Now think about that for a minute.  When have you ever known the CDC to release preparation instructions before an outbreak?

Really think about it.  The CDC isn't telling us what they would do, they are telling us what they are doing.  I mean it's not like they would actually come out and tell us the Zombie outbreak was already occurring.  People would panic.  Most people would think they had lost their mind.

Where are all the Zombies? you ask.  Well, the CDC has the answer right there in their own document.  Right under " Never Fear – CDC is Ready ."
"This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including   isolation and quarantine )."

Ya, they are all in quarantine, or dead - "infection control."  At least for now . . .

Now, I of course assumed everyone would already know how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse.  I mean who doesn't know how to protect themselves from Zombies?!

Then I talked to my mother.

It seems the CDC has a very valid concern.

My mother is not at all prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse.  She doesn't even own a helmet!

It's even worse than that I fear.

My conversation with her went something along these lines.

Me:  The Zombies are going to eat our brains.
Mom:  Zombies eat brains?!?!?  I've never heard that before.  I thought Zombies just walked around.
Me:  Oh crap!  You are doomed!  You will see the Zombies out for their "Sunday stroll" and decide to join them.  Then they will start biting your head and you will be all "Um, excuse me Zombies.  Could you not bite my head?"  Bam!  Zombie Mom!
Mom:  I thought that was Vampires.  Aren't they the ones that bite?
Me:  Sigh.  Vampires drink your blood.  Zombies eat you.  Big difference!  The only way you can kill a Zombie is by destroying it's brain.
Mom:  Well I just won't go outside during the day.  Problem solved.
Me:  Aaaahhhh!  Mom you are killing me!!!  Vampires again.  Vampires can't go out during the day (depending on the species) Zombies are dead.  They can go out day and night.  They never sleep.  They will eat your brains.  Tell me you at least own a flamethrower?
Mom:  *laughing*
Me:  Obviously you are not taking this seriously . . .
Please note.  This really was an actual conversation I had with my mom.  I am not making any of it up!!

So, obviously I have been a bit worried about her since then.  I certainly know what I'm getting her for her birthday.  Chain mail and a helmet!

Then yesterday I talked to my dad and expressed my concern.  He assured me that I have nothing to worry about.

Dad is prepared.  Just the other day he bought a chainsaw.

Yup.  Zombies are helpless against a chainsaw, as anyone who has ever seen Evil Dead II or Army of Darkness  can recall.
In the meantime I guess it comes in handy for trimming trees.

His boomstick on the other hand makes a terrible tree trimmer.

Please take a moment to browse the CDC's website so that you too can be prepared.