It should be abundantly clear by now that I am no superhero. I do however have one important quality of a superhero.
No, I don't wear brightly colored spandex tights . . . though I do love to wear very bright colors.
I have a secret identity.
You might be thinking it's a security thing. You are right but probably not the way you are thinking.
While I do agree internet safety is important and believe me my husband is constantly reminding me. "You have a blog?! You are not publishing our names and addresses and vacation schedule on that blog are you?!" Yes, honey. Right along with our social security numbers. I also promised to leave the key under the mat . . .
My secret identity is actually carefully constructed to keep my real life friends and family from finding my blog.
To explain my reasons for this I have to go back to why I started this blog to begin with.
When people first meet me they would describe me as shy. My close friends know better. Once I get to know someone they can never get me to stop talking. But I am always careful about what I say. I don't like conflict. I don't like to upset people. Unless I feel really strongly about something I will just bite my tongue when I disagree. I don't have to agree but what would be the point in debating the matter. It won't change what they believe.
One day I found myself hanging out on Facebook. Now I must admit it. I am a Facebook lurker. I spend more time than I care to admit online, browsing Facebook, catching up with the goings ons of my friends. I love Facebook. Recently I was surprised to have friends make comments like. "I don't know if you saw on Facebook . . . Did you see the comment on Facebook . . . Have you been on Facebook lately?" Um, of course I have! I spend every waking moment physically possible on Facebook.
Then it hit me.
I may be on Facebook reading everything they post but I seldom post anything myself. Why?
Well, I am home all day with two toddlers. Not much to post that I would imagine the rest of the Facebook world is waiting on the edge of their seats to hear. They don't want to know about how potty training is going or that I made muffins that day. Many times I find myself typing out a status update or writing a response to someone else's comment and nine times out of ten I end up deleting it instead of posting.
See, I have read a few too many Facebook posts complaining about other Facebook posts. You know the kind. One person complains they see too many whiney posts. Another sees too many overly intellectual posts. Another sees too many quotes. Another sees too many posts about mundane ordinary tasks. Another sees too many posts about kids. I see too many posts complaining about other Facebook posts!
So I find myself editing my life as presented on Facebook. I don't want to post about all my plumbing problems because I don't want to seem like the complainer. I don't want to post about what we had for dinner because no one really cares. I don't want to post yet another quote from my kids (even though it makes their grandmother excessively happy) because my friends with no kids may get annoyed. They don't seem to understand why I would find a comment from my 4 year old son saying, "You are really good at being a mom because you give me food when I am hungry." brilliant!
In the end I basically refrain from posting anything. Now, I know I am overreacting. I also tend to be too sensitive and take things too much to heart when that was never the intention of the author. I know these comments were never directed at me and they are few and far between. Still. Every time I find myself about to post something I end up paralyzed in fear. What if this annoys someone? What if it's taken the wrong way? What if it makes someone angry? What if they don't like me?!!!!
One day I decided I needed an outlet. I needed a place to go so I could say the things I wanted to really say and not worry about what anyone thought. A place where I could be honest without completely mortifying my husband in front of his friends and family.
Now don't get me wrong. I am still careful about what I say. Just because I don't know someone personally doesn't mean I am ok with upsetting them in some way. I try to refrain from saying anything that could be taken as an attack or criticism. Because the truth is I think there is way too much of that kind of negativity out there already and I would rather not add to it.
See now I am analyzing that last sentence wondering if anyone would take it as an attack on their personality or something. Please don't be offended I didn't mean it that way!!! I know I probably need help.
For now though I will don my mask and write my posts and try not to spend too much time agonizing over whether or not I said the right things.